I am a Halloween Hater! There. I said it. I love the candy. And I love seeing adorable little kids dressed up like teddy bears and pumpkins. But once you hit a certain age, Halloween is terrible. I hit that age a long time ago, and swore off Halloween. This year, we attempted to bring it back into our lives, but I began regretting the decision the minute we decided to go costume shopping...
Last weekend, Mike and I went costume shopping. We had talked about wanting to do some thing thematic and maybe "coupley" this year. We generally aren't "halloween people" so dressing up isn't exactly our cup-of-tea. We haven't had much luck in the past because neither one of us is that creative. We are always stuck with whatever the stores have, and frankly, we wait til the last minute so they are always picked over. We thought this year might be a little different because we were motivated to find something. Boy were we wrong.
Have you ever noticed that there are really two types of couples costumes...1) the cheesiest, most unflattering costumes you could think of, and 2) slutty Disney couples. Examples of type 1 are Ketchup and Mustard. Miss Piggy and Kermit. A pair of M&Ms. All of these costumes are absolutely hideous (I am sorry if it is your costume), and they do nothing for the people in them. Examples of type 2 are Little Red Riding and the Big Bad Wolf. Alice in Wonderland and the Mad Hatter. Peter Pan and Tinker Bell. You get the idea. On the surface, these don't sound so bad because they are the characters that we grew up watching on VHS. Their stories were pure and fun. Newsflash: nothing about Halloween is pure and fun anymore.
Given the above, Type 1 was clearly not an option for us, because frankly, I don't want to walk around in a bar dressed up like a peanut M&M. It would be bulky and sweaty - two things women don't want in a Halloween costume. Our only options, then, were type 2. FML. Thus began our search for the needle in a haystack. Who would have thought that finding a decent-looking costume that didn't show off my assets would be so difficult?
Disney characters are officially inappropriate. Who knew Alice in Wonderland could be such a hooch? I mean come on! Since when did she start wearing a mini-skirt, thigh-highs, and a cleavage enhancing top? And then there is Little Red (Slut) Hood. The cape is twice as long as the skirt is, and the cape barely covers my butt cheeks, so the skirt is basically a bikini bottom. The last thing I want to do is look like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls - you know the scene when she shows up to the costume party dressed to the nines for Halloween while all of the other girls are in leotards with a pair of ears and a stick on bunny tail? But I also don't want to have to starve myself for a week before Halloween so that I feel comfortable in the tiny outfits. Oh the tangled webs we weave.
At the costume shops they tell all of the girls buying these Disney costumes that they are "couples themed" because they pair the woman's costume with a man's option. But can someone please tell me why Alice in Wonderland must look like a hooker but the Mad Hatter (the man's costume) requires him to dress up like a clown? If I have to dress like a hooch, then so should he! What we have learned this year is that there are not many options for men. Their only real options are to either dress like a fool to be the partner to your skanky girl, or to dress like a woman (cue: obnixous man in a woman's cheerleading uniform or a pregnant nun) - both options I am not a fan of. At all.
In the end, we found a relatively decent costume that doesn't make me look like I work the corner on the weekends, and doesn't make Mike look like a total douche. Of course these costumes require a little tweaking on our end - and by tweaking I mean additional clothing - but we look cute, and thats all that matters. Happy costume hunting. It sucks.
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