Day 15 - Corporate Phrases

Having been in Corporate America for over 4 years now, I have come to find the humor in so many of the everyday "doings."  There are funny people - who have fallen victim to these blogs in the past.  There are funny clothes - again, victimized for my own personal entertainment.  There are funny projects.  And funny meetings.  And even funnier meetings about meetings.  But the thing that annoys me the most, but also provides me with the most humor are the phrases.  As stand alone phrases they mean nothing, and certainly don't get a rise out of me.  But when used in the corporate context, I find them hilarious, and annoying all at the same time. 

Let's start with the most annoying.  It drives me crazy when someone gives you direction to do something, followed by the phrase "and then let's circle back."  I don't know why that phrase bothers me so much, but the thought of "circling back" with someone just sounds like it is going to be a complete waste of time.  If we analyze the phrase (yes, analyzing is my favorite thing to do), and think about it literally, circling back brings us right back where we started.  So, my initial thought is, let's avoid the circle all together, and let's just discuss whatever is you want to discuss?  Why do you feel the need to call me back to simply a) review what it is that I am doing between now and the circle back, b) regurgitate the same thing, c) start over - which is generally what happens anyways?  I hate "circling back" with someone, and I dread the moments when I have to either hear it, or do it.  Dumb.

The next phrase that annoys me in Corporate America is when you are on a conference call with a group of people, and the presenter asks for questions.  So you, as an educated listener, and someone who has a question, takes a stab, only to have the presenter say "Let's go ahead and take this one offline."  Offline?  As in, I either stumped you?  You view my question as a one-off.  Or you are afraid that the answer is going to frighten the rest of your measly listeners.  Taking topics offline is basically the same as hiding the truth from the masses.  Sure, there are some instances where the question is completely off-base and the presenter wants to save your ass from embarrassment, but that is highly unlikely.  If you are a presenter and you ask for questions, please be prepared to answer them - no matter how "off" you think the question is.

Next up, the "Parking Lot."  Every meeting that I go to has a flip chart in the corner.  The flip-chart transforms itself in to the "parking lot," aka: the area where ideas that people have and no one else wants to work on go.  The area that holds all of the brilliant plans that are never executed.  The area that acts as a think-tank, but really is simply word vomit.  I hate Parking Lots.  I hate putting ideas on the parking lot list.  I hate it because I am afraid that it is the place where my ideas, my thoughts, my participation goes to die.  If your idea is ever "Parking lotted," consider it dead.

The last over used phrase is the classic "I have this opportunity..."  If someone comes up to you and has this amazing opportunity for you, chances are it's either their sloppy seconds, or the project is so horrible that they didn't want to do it themselves so they pawned it off on you.  When you are the low man on the totem pole (as I have been for 4 years), you get a lot of "opportunities" thrown your way.  I have learned to call some people out on these so-called opportunities, and others I have learned to accept.  I generally can handle those types of things fairly well on the outside, but on the inside I want to scream.  I am not dumb.  I know when someone is trying to take advantage of me.  But sometimes, you have no choice but to grin and bear it.

So my fellow corporate citizens (and those of you who are not corporate, but have most likely heard these phrases or variations of these phrases), I hope you find the humor in them as I have done.  Work is called work because it sucks.  If it didn't suck, it would be called fun.  So, you might as well try to make work as fun as possible by making fun of your superiors and their silly catch phrases.